Ode to a Kiss

Yesterday my six year old was lying down on the stone wall in front of the school doors, sunning himself while we waited for his big brother to exit.  A woman who was also waiting came over to chat, and as the majority of Spanish women do, she immediately initiated a conversation with Hugo, asking him whatever she could to get him to speak.  It has been fascinating watching my children in these social situations, and noting their adaptations.

I have mentioned before that, in general, Spaniards are very family and child-focused, and it is discernible the moment you take your seat in the airplane leaving the US for Spain. Older people seek out the children around them, engage them in some way, make them feel noticed and appreciated.  Parents with young children encourage their kids to make friends, ask their names, how old they are, share stories. Children engage as well, seek out eye contact, are confident and skilled in their social advances.

People are also very physically affectionate. It is perfectly acceptable to tickle, pat, kiss and show affection to children, even between strangers.  It is always respectful and playful, and people trust the intentions of one other in these moments.   Perhaps our North American melting-pot culture has encouraged the notable physical distance with which we are comfortable -it is possible that neighbors from different cultures erred on the side of caution so as not to offend and distance became the norm. Perhaps we have gotten more distant as we have paid more attention to the few stories of abuse instead of the many of kindness. There could be a thousand different hypotheses and I doubt that anyone really knows.  But I think it would be worth studying if there are social implications that result from this perceived limited physical affection.  (Any James Prescott scholars out there with access to more modern studies?)

In Spain, the benefits of such attention and social guidance show from early on through the teen years and into adulthood. Three year olds feel comfortable conversing with adults, including strangers in a new environment, and know how to immediately connect with their peers.  A teenager looking for company will seek out  and be immediately accepted by a group of unknown peers.  Adults easily engage with strangers on the street, at the park, in the cafe. Everyone is welcome, as a new person may bring something interesting to the table.  Imagine being a teenager from out of town, walking to the local plaza alone, seeing another group of teenagers hanging out and laughing together, and feeling like you can walk up to them, sit down and join them.  That is Spain.

The planning of cities and towns reflects the prevalence and cultural importance of these types of interactions: a main square is for people to gather and be together in public with one another, instead of sequestering off in small groups to a private place; a park or plaza will have a cafe with outdoor seating adjacent to the play area even in the most humble of towns. People seek each other out and through this constant contact tend to be accepting, polite and socially well-developed in general.

My children show occasional signs of slight anxiety in response to this attention.  Hugo is a very affectionate child with his family and absolutely loves all of the hugging and kissing here, but is still more comfortable being the bearer rather than the receiver in situations with strangers. When the lady at school was sweetly and gently patting and tickling him, he didn't know how to respond.  I explained to her that, in the US we don't really touch other peoples' children (outside of family and good friends, perhaps) and she was bewildered and saddened.  She expressed concerns for their ability to thrive without a lot of love and support from their society as a whole, and I think she has a point. Do we compensate in other ways?  Do we really know the importance of affection on human development?

My nine year old has shared with me that, although he freezes and doesn't know how to respond, he likes the attention (he admits that the kissing is still tough for him to demonstrate.) He feels like people want him there, like he is a part of things. He especially enjoys the physical attention bestowed upon him by his peers, and I truly believe that this is how they have shown him that he is a part of their social group, as he cannot yet speak more than a handful of phrases.   Although he has jumped into a situation where (outside of his mother and brother) literally NOTHING is as it was at home - a new culture with different social rules, a new language, a new school, a new home with different toys, a new diet, new friends, new schedule and all without his father being there as well - he is happy to be having this experience and does not want yet to go home.  He knows and can feel that he is welcomed here, that in general people have his back.

Of course, every culture has its pros and its cons, and I am not so naive to think that there isn't a balance no matter where you live. I am confident, however, that to be a kid in Spain is pretty fantastic. Every child is respected, is guaranteed health care and a quality, free education.  Food is fresh, healthy and less expensive. On weekends the streets are FULL of entertainment geared toward kids: bubbles, puppet shows, music.  Multi-generational families fill the streets. If my kids have been able to palpably notice the child-friendly environment in which they live, my guess is that this society benefits from millions of children feeling the same.